Blame will not move you toward love

Buju Banton, Destiny

This is a letter I wrote to someone in prison in 2009. I am hoping  it might inspire someone who is having a hard time with life.

To______,

Hello,

I got your letter.

Can’t say I was real happy about it after I read it…can’t really say I was real happy about it before I read it. I know you are more than likely going to ask me for something.

I know you will usually be polite about asking me but I know it is mostly so you will get what you want-sort of a syrupy politeness. I also know you are going to tell me how bad it is, being in there.

Well you didn’t disappoint in asking for something but you did surprise me buy the harsh tone by which you ask it. I wrote it off to you just pms-ing. I know men don’t really do that but they sure do something the same as women when they are feeling down and depressed. Men call it anger because it is more macho but really it is just feeling down and out.

I have a few comments to what you wrote: as if that surprises you.

First. The blame game really does not help you. I compare it to seeing the glass half empty.
I know you are not in the category of people that see the glass half full but it really would not hurt you to try to jump the fence and go on their side. It makes life feel a whole lot better.

Did you know you have that choice-the choice of feeling a whole lot better about life? You every read about someone that had something horrible happen to them but yet they pulled themselves from the rubble and made a new start. Often times they did not do this because someone was standing next to the rubble giving them a hand and a brand new set of clothes and a new car to drive away from the rubble in. No, they dusted themselves off with their very own hands after they crawled away from it on hands and knees. Once they were clear they were free to walk or run but there is almost never a hot car ready to speed them away from it all. That really only happens in the movies.

These same people that made life better still have many hardships to come and they will keep dusting themselves off. They do it because the only other choice is to be angry and blame others. They are choosing love over hate. There are plenty of people that choose hate over love. I am not sure what makes someone choose hate over love. It does not feel better. I am not sure if it is easier. I can think about times I have chosen hate over love. We have all done it, well most of us have. I believe there are a few saints out there that always choose love. I have never met them. I have not met the Dali Lama. I am not sure if even he has always chosen love over hate. I believe Ram Das has chosen fear over love, which is in the same category as hate. I know he has spent most of his life loving others, a whole lot more than me.

But here’s the thing. I feel hate or fear or anger for a short time. I am talking about sometimes an hour, usually less. Then I stand outside of myself and ask myself a few question like “does this really feel good, is there another way I could react, did I really just do that-it was so unproductive in where I see myself going, I was such a bitch-I really did not handle that well.” I know when I bring my bad attitude into a room where people are; mostly what I will get is people having a bad attitude back at me. It is contagious. I am getting what I am giving. I have tested this, when I go in with a smile most the time I will get a smile back. When I don’t, I try to give that person space and know this is probably just a week moment for them. My staying positive will have an effect on that person. They may not let their guard down while they are in front of me but my niceness will linger on them, like a virus when someone sneezes into their hand, it is not possible to just wipe it off. That smile or nice comment is what they call ‘pay it forward’. Ever hear of the movie? it’s about someone doing something truly nice to another and it causes that person to do something nice at some point in the near future.

So whom do you want to be, a person stuck in the muck just waiting for someone to pull them out or someone that claws their way out.

You are not the only person ever to get stuck in the muck in this family. ______ mother was an alcoholic that choose to walk the streets instead of be with her family. He did not have much money along with not having a mother that was mothering. His father was cheated out of most of his retirement and what he did get his wife drank it very quickly. His father-your grandfather-remained loving and _______ does not get into trouble with the law. He pulled himself up and dusted himself off many times.

I am not sure about your mother’s childhood but I know she works hard and always made sure she had money coming in for food on the table amongst many other things. She also made sure that plenty of food was prepared every day for her family. Let me emphasis the ‘every day’ part. That is amazing. She also tried to bring goodness into the home by sending you to church. She was raised that the church was equivalent to love and she wanted that for her children. She may have had a short temper at times and not been perfect but that is human nature. She, like you and like all of us, had her own life complexities. She loved you but you always seemed to think you were getting the short end of the stick. Is that because you saw the glass half empty and always wanted more, never satisfied? Eventually a person runs out of juice for someone that is sucking them dry every moment. I believe she occasionally ran out of juice for you. I know she never ran out of love for you though. The love does not run dry it just gets pushed in a corner.

When are you going to see you did not get the short end of the stick in life? You have had troubles through out your life, on and off. We all have difficult experiences that life presents to us, every single human being, even the filthy rich. They are not immune to heartache. You know how often someone becomes famous then struggles with a drug addiction after they become famous. All that money did not free them of troubles. We always grow with these experiences, but we get to choose what to grow toward, love or fear (hate).

Many people have risen up while in prison. How do they do it? I don’t really know because I have never had that experience but I believe it is because they could look at their fellow man and see love. They could see the good that was often hidden by fear. I believe they decided to take the empty time they had and fill it with positive things, even if it was as small as being able to read a good book or draw a picture or write a story-possibly their life story or talk to some one with honesty and love. Even if that person they talked to betrayed them in some way they could look at them and know it was not really about them, it was something hidden deep inside that person that lingered there way before they came in the picture. No, this was not about them, they understood that and therefore did not hold a grudge but instead chose to forgive.

I am sure not everyone in prison has people on the outside that sends them money. I know for a fact there are many people that are alone with no one helping them on the outside. You have had help. You received a Christmas package. Not everyone did. But you did. When you were in ______ prison,  you received many packages and money. Do you think there will be a continuous feed of money coming your way from us? The reality is there won’t. I could give you a million reason why there won’t but I am not going to do that. It is not necessary. If this ends up being your situation then what would you do about it? How would you handle it? Is there another option? What does your counselor suggest? Have you been nice to her or have you built a wall between you and her? Is a job an option? Is there a charity organization that you could tap into? Will you see this as an opportunity to be creative or just another thing to get angry about?

Your memory of the past seems to get twisted so you can feel like the victim. It is a pattern with you. You said I have not written you but yet I sent you a Christmas card. I did give Starbo your letter and all the info I received about the prison as soon as I received it.

The problem is that you were dealing with the court system, which is bogged down because so many people are taking their anger out by hurting other people and committing crimes. This overload causes the courts to not do a very good job along with the fact that people make up the court system and many of these people have there own hang-ups in life along with basic human imperfections. Many innocent people get caught up in it. _____ did. He went through a lot because of the crappy system. Many guilty people end up free because of the overworked system. Part of the problem was that you were already in bad with the system from things you did do previously. You got yourself into a negative vibe, now you need to get yourself into a positive vibe. Hear the word you. We have tried in the past to get you to go toward the positive vibe but there in lies the problem. We cannot get you in a positive vibe. It needs to come from you. It cannot be a one hour or one day vibe either. It needs to be long standing. Only you have that power. No one else. Stop trying to give the power over to others by blaming them.

You are wasting energy and actually hurting yourself and possibly others by trying to compare your life to others. There will always be someone bigger or smarter or more accomplished in life than you. That is the law of nature. So what. You are what you are and you need to love yourself. Stop waiting for others to love you. Love can be fleeting from others but it can always be there for you if it is self-love. Self-hatred is the most hurtful. Putting yourself down and not feeling lovable is painful. Everyone does it; it is human nature to tell ourselves we are not good enough. But keep it in check. Say it and get on with it quickly. After you say it step back and look at yourself as if you are watching a movie and you are the actor. See yourself belittling yourself. Now look at you and ask yourself if it is true, can you really not see any good in you. Look inside the heart. I believe you will see the time you sang a song out loud and how good it sounded, or the time you wrote the lyrics for a song and they really were good. How about the time you made your brother and sister laugh. Or the time you helped ______ paint and how happy _______ was to be around you because you really were funny and nice; he told me that. How about your father; how much he liked having you around to help build something or work on his truck. Your father always had a special place for you. You followed him around more than anyone else and he was always happy to have you there. How about the late nights with me? We all would sit around the table and talk or play games. You knew how to make me smile and cry. What about all the fun nights at the basketball courts with your brothers and friends?

Your life has been full of really good things. You never had to dodge a land mine or hide somewhere so a soldier did not shoot you or your family. You never had to leave your country and your entire loved one, not by force anyway. You never had to watch soldier’s rape then kill your sisters, then shoot your father. No life really has been good to you. It is all in how you look at it. Do you still have all your toes and fingers, lost any arms or legs? If you did would life be over: it’s not for all those people that did loose their limbs. Many of them still see life as good. You have all your limbs but you feel life has shortchanged you. Why? Can you see, can you hear, can you smell? Would you be happy if you could not? Many would say yes, they are happy and they cannot. You can see, hear, smell but yet you are not happy. Do you have a disease that has left you in pain all the time? Have you had a horrible accident that has left you in pain for many years? Many have and they still feel happiness and want to be kind to others. You do not have non-stop pain but yet you are not happy. You feel cheated.

I will say it again; we cannot get you into a positive vibe. It needs to come from you.

I will end here. I am hoping you will take this letter seriously and read it more than once. I hope you will ponder on the words I wrote. I read and reread this many times. I hope you give it at least half the time I did. I will write more another day. I am sending you a copy of your last letter in case you want to read what you wrote one more time.

I send a smile . Take care.
Love,  ___me___